I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Id be cutting my nose off to spite my face. And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). there is so much more to my current world of pain. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. I learned to do without her when I was about 8. When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. He never apologised. I pray he finds what he wants in this life but I realise his divorce messed him up bigtime but it is not my responsibility to fix anyone we make decisions in life and we deal with the consequences. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Kudos to You! Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. The Golden Rule. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. What a schmoe. There is a silver lining to everything. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. Grudges are a form of punishment. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). Thats what happened. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. NC is your most powerful action. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. thts it. Thank you so much. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. DGzCarbon It takes practice. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! Were always so ready to call/txt the ex when we hear that word. It focuses on the wrong thing. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. But. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! But I had let my sister listen to it. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. On to a better candidate. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. They also gave me pause for thought. Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. Practice empathy. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! If we combine this information with your protected I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. Just wanted to clarify. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. ugh! Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). The last contact was from him via text and a general birthday card. You will feel the difference. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. I finally get it now. Done! Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. You hit the nail on the head. He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. Of course, they object when you point it out. My dilemma with him is will I go to is funeral when he dies. . Therefore, I will never get an apology and there really is nothing he can say to make what he did alright with me. Take a minute. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". Is something wrong with you and your boyfriend? React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! I already walked away more than two months ago. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. Text book I tell you. I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. What makes someone do that? So forgiving someone = loving them = ACTING on whats best for them = steering well clear so that they cant behave in a way that is bad for their soul. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships. JBI Evidence Synthesis. Validation? Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. Forgiveness means different things to different people. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. The trouble is we live in a small town and Im due to see him at another event next week. Ive been there. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. I didnt get closure the AC just disappeared after 2 years.Ive run into him at social events (we live in the same town) where hes made a point of coming and talking to me even introduced me to his new girlfriend as a good friend. hes a carbon copy of many of the people discussed on this site; not so special or unique! Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Then watch Luke and Rapha Castro give their unique and direct take on love every Saturday 3pm on My Channel S. grudge noun. Amen. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. It was an amazing feeling finally saying how I really felt, Natalie is right I always felt that when I heard from him that I wouldnt have the strength to ever really say no, but I found out I actually did have, that deep down I was done with it all, it just took me a while to realise itmy daughter really dislikes him because of how he treated me and I didnt want her to ever look down on me for not being able to stand up for myself. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. Key points Holding a grudge is often, in part, an attempt to get the comfort and compassion one didn't get in the past. . They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. I hear you, and I know you are right. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. There is no sense. Something about the sordidness and secrecy kept pulling me toward him. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. Listen to it. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. This msg came right on time, yesterday church sermon was based on managing relationships in general and the pastor challenged the entire congregation to reach out and correct a relationship my mind went to my ex now let me say he was up front about his incertitude and I should have ended it but I have learnt from this situation. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. I did not acknowledge it. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Review/update the And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. Otherwise, it will burn. 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. I was so wrong. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. Block this idiot. You're mean to not want to go there. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. Thats indifference. I have a mother like that too! Rakel D, ed. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. This is drama and will go nowhere! Can You Take a Hint? Its been 2 weeks and Ive not responded. Narc with more baggage than an airport. AAAArrrrggggg!! But thats just me. This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. It is taking its toll, Im not looking after myself they way I should, etc., but I hope that with time and strength things will change for the better. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. hll get the message! Ive come to terms with it rather. I know. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. He must have said something to her because she is now very reserved with me. What better reason can anyone need? You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. Its driving me a bit crazy! Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. This happened to me or similar. Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times.
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